Thursday just happens to be my favorite day of the week. I think I came to really know and understand this towards the middle of last year. I don't think I was ever conscious of it before - didn't notice the patterns and shifts... but I tend to be "happier" on Thursdays than most other days. More productive. It is like Christmas Eve to me - pregnant with anticipation.
Well, I can't say that today was necessarily my favorite Thursday of all Thursdays. I awoke this moment ceased with terror! It hit me that in THREE MONTHS I will be headed to Jordan, and in THREE DAYS I will be facilitating my Expressive Dream Healing Workshop - disconnected from any hospital, non-profit or entity. At once it hit me that everything I have been saying I wanted for the last six years is right in the palm of my hands. And I am afraid I will sabotage it. So I began to conceive of everything that could possibly go wrong.
How they may not let me out of Jordan because my name is Karimah Lateefah. How I may leave my passport or my wallet sitting on a chair in some random cafe in much the same way I did one of the last times I was in NYC (though much to my surprise everything was found exactly where I left it - unmolested). How I may find myself scaling short buildings and running through random strangers' back yards and clotheslines because of some remnant of an Arab Spring uprising that has finally hit Amman. That my translator will say the complete opposite of what I meant and I will have people angry and disgusted with me - making mental reminders of my face so that they can add me to their Most Wanted lists. That all of these wonderful things people have said about me and my work will mean nothing because I will get there and fall flat on my face. That no one will show up for the dream workshop. That people will show, but will "forget" to pay. That they will be in search of a particular medium and I won't have it. That I will run out of materials. That they won't like the interventions. That they will think I have been a fraud all of this time. That they will look at me crazy when I say, "Now find your dream image in your body". Or maybe they will just leave - or worse than that, stay, out of sympathy for me and my "effort". That I will run out of steam, or get sick, or have an accident, or LOOSE MY MIND!!!!!!!
Yes, this was not my favorite Thursday of all Thursdays, but I still managed to remain productive, complete my groups, give feedback to interns, complete administrative tasks and gather some things together for my workshop. And I did so without having an accident, or getting sick or loosing my mind. I say this not because I believe there always needs to be a happy ending, but as a reminder that I am still here. I am still on track and tomorrow is another day (sadly, however, it won't be another Thursday).
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