Sitting at my desk Friday afternoon, I felt myself start to shake inside, I could not concentrate, I felt anxious - paranoid even. Everything felt ominous. I eventually attributed what was going on in my body to taking Advair. Surely those were side effects of inhaling the invisible powder so that my lungs can open up. Eventually the symptoms subsided and I continued with my day which was not unusual in any way. I was preparing for Fun Friday - the one day of the week that my patients catch a break. We do a little bit of intentional therapy and then hang out for the rest of the day.
This particular set of patients had been working hard - processing family dynamics and learning how to express their feelings appropriately. I greeted each one of them as they bustled through the door,
"Ms. Karimah, who's the leader today?"
"Ms. Karimah, is it Fun Friday today?"
"Ms. Karimah, can we play with the puppets today?"
"Ms. Karimah, do we get to go outside?"
"Are we going to the gym?"
"Ms. Karimah, did you hear about the shooting?"
"Shooting? What shooting?"
"It was at a school in Cr- Can - um - dang! I can't remember. Cron..."
I pulled out my smart phone and went to my CNN app and sure enough, there it was.
"Connecticut"
"Yeah, Connecticut".
"It was terrible. Lots of little kids were killed!"
All I could think was oh my God. Oh my God. Until I quickly realized that I was the therapist in the room and my job was to allow expression, answer questions and assure safety. And they definitely wanted to talk about it - the ones who knew. Most of the others were obliviously eating their graham crackers and sipping lemonade. So I was able to have a small conference with the ones who knew. And I reassured them, as best I could, that they were safe. And then I realized that my reaction earlier - the ominous feeling I had, the anxiety - were most likely psychic responses to the horror being experienced throughout the country as people were becoming aware of what had happened.
This weekend I have watched every news program, read every news article and listened to every radio talk show trying to get as much information as possible so that if my children ask me questions about it, I can answer them intelligently - but more than that, if I am completely honest with myself, I keep watching and reading and listening so that I can understand. I want to learn more about this 20 year old kid Adam, to see if I recognize him. Of course I know that I didn't know him personally, but I keep thinking I might recognize him. The psychologists and criminal profilers who have been interviewed as "experts" keep alluding to the possibility that Adam might have had some sort of mental illness... that he may have had autism... or been a sociopath. And of course we know that most people who have mental illness don't go out and commit such atrocities. But he did. I have crossed paths with countless social deviants since working in this field and only one that I know of, actually committed murder. For that child we did everything possible to help him and his family. Unfortunately when we told his guardian that we believed he needed a higher level of care, she said that we were the crazy ones and pulled him out of our program. A few months later he murdered her. So, I think on the children I have in my program right now. The 5-8 year olds who come to me with a history of social deviance. I.e. killing animals, lack of remorse, homicidal ideations - feeling justified in their actions, etc. And I wonder...
I have a patient now who got so angry at one of his peers on Friday that he scratched himself until he bled and ragefully identified that when he gets angry like that "It makes me want to kill them". And I have just a few weeks to "fix" him. I usually feel an excited challenge when I get a case like this. But after something like Friday's massacre, I feel an overwhelming responsibility.
It is difficult not to feel overwhelmed when you hear news reports of one tragedy after another. How many reports did we hear of just in the last two days where someone opened fire in a public place? One thing seems for certain - these men were unhappy. For whatever reason - mental illness or no mental illness - they were angry, rageful, and sad. I think of their families - their parents in particular - and wonder if they tried to get them into therapy or were they in denial that their child needed help at all? A lot of parents personalize the difficulties their children have and are afraid to hear that they may have been complicit in their child's deviance in any way. At those times the treatment becomes more about the parent than about the child. Other parents are so certain that they have nothing to do with their child's issues that they send them to therapy to be "fixed" and have no intentions of being involved in their treatment in any way.
I know that the debate on gun laws will be heating up. But I am hopeful that this tragedy will also heat up the discussion on greater financial support of mental health initiatives. That the stigma associated with getting into therapy is lessened and that sooner rather than later going to therapy will be just as normalized as going to get a check up from your primary care physician. I am also hopeful that insurance companies will begin looking again at the benefits of non-traditional allied health professions such as expressive therapy in the treatment of trauma, as the children from Sandy Hook will likely benefit more from expressive therapy than they ever would with traditional talk therapy.
No comments:
Post a Comment