Closing Circles

This, my first post of 2013, comes with a tinge of sadness.  My family and I have discovered over the last several weeks that my dad has stage 3/4 cancer and it is aggressively metastasizing.  Prior to his diagnosis, he sustained injuries from a terrible fall.  He cracked his sternum, a very hard and difficult bone to fracture; cracked three ribs and his T-10 vertebra.

This incredible man - who, to me, has always been a force of nature... who has taken up a tremendous amount of space in my life... This all powerful creature who has influenced so many of my choices (right or wrong - good or bad), has now become vulnerable.  I never conceived of a time when my father would no longer appear larger than life, and yet, even sitting in his oversized recliner he remains the dictator - at times barking orders , brittle, and defiant.  At other times, he is as helpless as a baby - though grateful - tremendously grateful.

Although my father has been a very consistent part of my life - all of my life - I was raised by a single mom. So, I never had the experience of living under the same roof with two parents. Since caretaking my daddy, I have been staying overnight with him and my step mom 4 out of 7 days a week. One night, I came in from work, ran up the stairs, dropped off my stuff, and changed into my sweats. I ran back down stairs and my dad was sitting in the recliner watching the game while my step mom read the paper on the sofa. I sat down between them reading a book and half heartedly watching the game (my team was loosing). And then it hit me like a bolt of lightening - a circle had been closed. For the first time I viscerally felt what it was like to actually live in the house with two parents. It was something I felt deep in my gut. It felt like goodness - rightness. It felt safe and secure. Suddenly, I wanted every person in the world to have this feeling. It was as if I had engaged them in my own little drama - my own improvisation of "family wholeness". And it had nothing to do with anything they actually did. They were simply being themselves and going about their routines per usual. It was I who had slipped myself into their lives.

I have been in caretaking mode for the last three weeks, taking on the roles of physical therapist, occupational therapist, spiritual leader, secretary, custodian, and nurse (or as my dad would call me "Nurse Ratched"). I am also maintaining my roles of therapist, friend, playmate, etc.   I am reminded that one of my most beloved professors once introduced drama therapy as a philosophy of life.  And I take note of the ease with which I have been navigating those roles.  How easily I slip them on and slough them off when no longer useful.  I am the drama therapy definition of health.  There is no role dissonance here! Oddly enough, I am not being facetious.  After years of studying and practicing drama therapy, it makes sense that there would come a time when the student becomes a drama therapy master of herself (for right now).   Robert Landy, my esteemed professor and advisor from NYU, developed a "Role Profile" which can be used as a diagnostic tool for therapy clients.  He suggested that we use this "diagnostic" on ourselves from time to time as something of a check in.  And I do.  There are some roles that remain consistent and there are some roles which are in flux. 
And it is all okay.  I am constantly evolving.
 
A circle has been closed, and new circles are generating all of the time.