Several weeks ago, I had a dream that I was swimming bare breasted in a river with a boy child swimming before me. It was a powerful - very maternal feeling - I knew that I was responsible for this life. I knew that I had a strong position in my community. As we swam through the river, we bore witness to a beautiful Swan, ripping a turtle from its shell. The ripping was very aggressive -yet very necessary. I could hear and feel the ripping as it was difficult, but the swan had to eat. The turtle was a sacrifice to the swan. It was as if the turtle knew it was bound to happen and although painful, it was its destiny to be ripped and torn a part. My boy child was mesmerized and very curious and adventurous and I intuitively knew that it too wanted to rip a turtle from its shell. So, I decided that I would allow it,and was content to let him do it. But when the opportunity arose, I changed my mind and decided that it was too dangerous and that it was my job to protect him. I told him no.
That dream has stayed with me everyday since. And I have asked myself, what part of me is the turtle, what part of me is the swan and what part of me is the boy - the puer spirit? What part am I withholding from the world, and what part am I seeking to devour? And what part of me is saying no - being protective and maternal? What part of me is afraid, and what part of me knows what I need to do to survive.
I imagine having a conversation with one character in the dream and I think I would like to talk to the swan, but I want to talk to the swan from the voice of the child:
Child: Swan, oh beautiful and majestic swan. What power you hold in your hands. You have the power of life and death.
Swan: It is what I must do. It is painful. This tearing and ripping apart. But I must do it in order to survive. I don't enjoy it. It actually pains me to do it, but I have no other choice.
Child: But you do it so efficiently and effortlessly. But you don't enjoy it. Why did you choose the turtle?
Swan: Because of its meat. It has a lot of meat which means it will keep me satisfied for longer periods of time. And because it has so much meat, I can share it with my family and still keep some for myself. Why, boy, are you so fascinated with me?
Child: Because I want to be strong and powerful like you. I want to be able to rip a turtle from its shell in a single tear. I want to eat turtle meat. I hear it is tasty.
Swan: But I wish I did not have to do it you see. I wish I were able to live off of air and sun. I don't enjoy the kill like most hunters do. But I have to eat.
Child: What would happen if you did not kill the turtle?
Swan: I would starve.
Child: What would happen if you starved?
Swan: I would die
Child: What would happen if you died?
Swan: Someone would eat me.
Child: So, you eat the turtle so that no one will eat you.
Swan: I guess so. What would happen if you never get to rip open a turtle?
Child: I would never have the experience of ripping open a turtle.
Swan: Why does your mother keep you from it?
Child: She is afraid the turtle may be too strong for me and that in the midst of me ripping it apart, it will turn on me and do me harm. So, my mother shields me to keep me safe from harm.
Swan: But when the turtle no longer has its shell, it is vulnerable. It can't hide inside of its shell any longer. It is there for all the world to see. That is a scary place for the turtle to be. Instead of lashing out, don't you think it would be panicking?
Child: Perhaps. But animals have the fight or flight instinct, right? There would be nowhere for him to flee, so why wouldn't he fight?
Swan: But what would he be fighting for. He can't win.
Child: Can't he? Hasn't he already won? He is fulfilling his destiny by allowing himself to be devoured. That is what he came here for. There is nothing left for him to do but surrender.
WOW!
What I got from that is my work - me being an Expressive Therapist - is the turtle. And I have not really come out in any big way. I have played it small for the most part. Not making many waves. And now, I am being discovered, and my shell is being ripped from me and all I need now to do is walk in my destiny. The swan represents the people and institutions that are starting to recognize what I am doing and want me to do more of it. They are ready to bite. The boy is the part of me that is ready - adventurous - excited - curious. The mother is me. The part of me that initially says, "YES!" but is ultimately too afraid that it will all fail or that I will be consumed by it all.
AMAZING! the power of drama therapy. Storying my dream. This is what I want to spend my life doing. Using dreams to unlock mystery, but doing it in an expressive way. I am thrilled!!!! Thrilled!!!! Thrilled! (says the boy). :)
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