Day 7. I had my interview with Lesley University for acceptance into the PhD program. I cannot even begin to describe how nervously excited I was. It felt like the moments just before going on stage. You know your lines. You have been rehearsing. You are in character. But you never really know if your audience is going to "get it". Will they laugh at the punch lines? Will they be drawn into your performance and feel moved to tears? Will they give you the energy exchange that makes a good performance great? And just at the moment when you have released all of the questions and returned to a place of peace, you peek out of the curtain and see a full house. You are excited and nervous at the same time, which Mr. Debek always said was the perfect combination of feelings to have just before going on. If you were all of one or none of the other you would not give a good performance. The morning of Day 7, I hope I gave a good performance. After having my Skype interview I was more excited than ever about the program. It sounds rigorous, challenging and very exciting!
The night before the interview, after typing all afternoon, I met a couple of friends at Java Monkey in downtown Decatur for a poetry slam. Now, mind you, it has been 11 years since I went to a Slam. I used to frequent slams all the time in Minnesota because my partner at the time was a Slam Poet. There is something to be said for the energy that is generated by a slam. It is a raw, vested energy. It has a life of its own. It is visceral and ethereal. Sometimes you can witness it morph into something else - something dark and sinister or something so bright that it blinds your eyes. And that night, the energy was like fire - warm, creative and at times unpredictable! freind
I found myself captured in a swell of creative energy and heard myself say to myself.
"You need to slam"
And of course this is something I have never done before. I have performed other people's writing. Pretended to be somebody else hundreds of times. But I have never been me as me, performing something written for me by me. Talk about role dissonance...
I remember going to the national conference for drama therapy several years ago and attending a workshop given by John Bergman, a professor of expressive therapy (drama therapy/psychodrama) at Lesley University. He is brilliant and passionate and has done and continues to do amazing work. One thing he said during the workshop struck me like a bolt of lightening. He said that as drama therapists, we must continue to hone our craft. He said that we MUST be doing theatre. And I thought, "of course we must". I don't know a single art therapist who does not do their own art. I don't know a single music therapist who does not sing. And yet, I am a drama therapist who does not perform. I always talk about how much I miss it, but never do anything about it. Because I am always "too busy". I am tired of being too busy. Too busy does not seem to be getting me anywhere any faster. So, I am not sure what I am so busy doing. Really.
And so, I will start with slamming. It seems fitting really, when you think about all of the stories I contain. Stories of war and trauma. Stories of displacement and loss and grief. Stories of abuse and shame. Sometimes it makes me want to slam it all . Slam it against the perpetrators - those who knew and did nothing. Slam it against the system and then against the system of the system. Slam it against the impossibility of being with it all. Slam poetry is the kind of poetry that literally slams itself against the faces of those who would bear witness. It slams itself against your heart and your brain. You can feel the synapses firing off and have to sometimes stop yourself from rising up and shouting "hallelujah!" Or stop your heart from leaping out of your body. Or stop yourself from wailing and moaning and sobbing for some lost soul somewhere you have never and will never see. Or stop yourself from tearing your own eyes out because you cannot bare the reflection in the mirror a second longer. Or stop yourself from yelling "STOP! You are too close!"
Yes, I will slam... and then take an improv class or two.
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